Petting Party

I like random things on the internet and so when I spotted this Formspring thingy popping up on twitter I thought I’d try it out. It basically allows people to ask me questions anonymously and there’s obviously been a tonne of pervy ones which I’ve gamely answered (all a bit tongue in cheek), some seriously weird ones and ones where I think people have taken me for some kind of fucked-up agony aunt. I’ve picked out some of the best ones for you…

I accidently got some ’sticky love fluid’ in my girlfriend’s eye about 20 minutes ago and now her eye is all pink and stinging and she’s getting angry. Do you know of any solutions to relieve the agitation? We tried lemon juice but it didnt really work.
Don’t call her bukkake-face, that never goes down well.

how many roads must a man walk down before he gets to where he is going without stopping what he is doing to think about the value of having a monkey wearing a fez as a servant?
Bloody loads. If you think about it, the type of person who’ll ask themselves that question will also ask themselves these follow up questions…
-can said monkey skin up adequately
-will said monkey have a little silver tray with biscuits on it-what kind of biscuits will said monkey provide-will said monkey be quiet when I’m trying to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force
no wait, it’s just me that would ask those sorts of questions.

So your snowed in which of your colleages do you choose to eat first for survival?
I think the editors would be easiest to pick off first because they’re trapped in those little edit suites. Anyone else has a clear running distance across the office.

What is your personal favourite ‘You know you’ve seen too much porn when …’ moment ?
… when you can gaily call someone up and say “I found you more gay incest porn!!” and think that is a normal workday conversation. Basically, my hashtag on twitter #officequotes are all my favourite ‘you know you’ve seen too much porn’ moments. They happen regularly.

Will you be able to hear the expression ‘twinset and pearls’ without conjuring up a mental image of a twincest sibling decorating his brother with said porno jewellery ?
Oh my god that’s amazing. That’s totally what the Peters twins should have called their scene.
And no, now every time I hear that I will chuckle to myself and *never* be able to explain why I’m laughing. Thanks.

So if i get to meet you, will i get to meet a lot of hot naked chicks?
Yes. I have an entourage of hot naked chicks that follow me about. They’re pretty hardcore y’know, being all nakey despite the snow at the moment.

Does the aforementioned entourage of hot nakey chicks provide a useful source of warmth in the snow, and could this be turned into an environmentally-friendly way of heating public buildings, for example?
Wow, I like your thinking. Each public building gets a gaggle (gang?) of hot nakey chicks to heat the place. Eco-friendly and boobalicious. It’s win-win in my mind.

Have you ever been caught short?
Hahahahahaha, almost dude, almost.

[12 questions on my bladder-relieving habits later…]

Say the Thames froze over and there was a party on it, but no one was talking to each other – would peeing your pants be a good ice-breaker?
WTF?!? And the award for the weirdest question *ever* goes to…Firstly, I’m pretty sure the Thames hasn’t frozen over since the 19th century.
Secondly, a party where no-one talks to each other?! What kind of parties do you go to?!
And lastly, if it’s cold enough to freeze the Thames over entirely pissing your pants doesn’t sound like a very good idea. You might catch a chill.

Why is my butthole bleeding?
Well there are many reasons as to why it’s bleeding. You could have been having rough and nasty anal sex with an exceptionally well-endowed man, you could have been sticking loads of drugs up there and damaged the tissue or you’re really very poorly. Either way, see a doctor dude cos no-one’s gonna want to rim you now, right?

What’s a good cock size? I need to please my new woman and I don’t think my 6.5″ will do the trick? Please help, Agony Aunt!
What’s wrong with you?? 6.5 is above-average and more than fine! Stop worrying you big idiot. If you want to impress your woman just go down on her for an excessively long time (at least an hour on and off) so that by the time you fuck her she’ll be so hepped up that she’ll rip your underwear off with her teeth.

My dick appears to be stuck through my neighbours letter box. Can you help? Please.
Props for being able to type this during what must be a moment of pure agony. I admire your dedication to my formspring page.
You’re gonna need a shitload of lube and a whole bunch of valium and co-codamol. Obvs the pharms are for afters yeh- you’re gonna need ‘em. Oh and call a friend as they’ll have to lube you up and hold the flap open while you ease out. I ain’t gonna lie: it’s gonna fucking hurt and I hope you’ve learnt your lesson: letterboxes ARE NOT glory holes!

LET ME SOLVE YOUR WEIRD-ASS PROBLEMS

Filed under: social media, surrealism