A few years ago my friend and I made a really rubbish joint New Years resolution. We decided to watch the entireity of X-Files in the space of a year. I say rubbish because we managed a grand total of about four episodes before we just lost interest. Also, in London, it’s really hard to organise anything with regularity.
Due to my amazing Amazon Wishlist I have come into possession of several Star Trek: The Next Generation boxsets. The person who bought them for me is nothing short of a Prince Amongst Princes. Anyhow, I told my pal about the boxsets and we’ve decided to have another crack at it but this time with TNG. I was a bit worried at first and season one can be a bit shit at times (beardless Riker eeeek!) but my friend has assuaged my fears by explaining that with X-Files we knew it was just going to get shitter but with TNG it’s just going to keep getting better and better. Riker’s beard is going to keep getting better and let’s face it, Deanna’s jumpsuits are going to get tighter. Also, watching Wil Wheaton grow up on telly- Amaze! I’ll let y’all know how it goes and if you follow me on Twitter I’ll do a r/t account of it all.

On a side note: it was Patrick Stewart’s birthday on Tuesday. How cool would it have been if Star Trek Club had started on his birthday?

I mentioned a little while back that the beautiful Ms San Dimas would be appearing in Layla Jade Does Hollywood. Well that very series starts airing on Television X (Sky 903) this Saturday! The first episode stars Layla, Poppy Morgan and Jack Vegas so you’ll have to wait until next week to catch Andy. It’s worth watching all the episodes though as they’re rather good! Tune in at 10:10pm on 17 April for Poppy and 23 April for Andy.

Back in 2007 I helped to organise a gig in my hometown where some friends of mine performed a cover version of the Bobby De Niro Calypso. Somehow it caught the attention of Adam Buxton and he wrote about it on his blog!

Bobby Deniro from Mike Somerset on Vimeo.

Here’s the original from The Adam & Joe for comparison…

And one last little #save6music plug, here is a video I watched 45 minutes ago (I’d decided to do an Adam&Joe blog last night so I was chuffed to find this!) of Adam Buxton challenging Mark Thompson to a fight live on Channel Four news with regards to the closure of BBC 6Music radio station. Fucking brill.

It was a lot of fun helping out with the pre-production of this show, helping Portway Films come up with the ideas for each episode and suggesting porno-lookalikes for the various celebrity roles. You can check out the little microsite over at Television X to see hardcore clips of each episode to see how well we matched them up.

The episode that was being filmed when I visited the set was the last episode, the wedding scene, which was great as I got to see Demetri and Michelle Moist again and got to meet Cate Harrington, Kerry Louise and Elle Brook for the first time. It’s fun watching the girls get their make-up done as they’re all really chatty and funny so you get to hear some GREAT porno gossip! In between make-up sessions I filmed mini-interviews with all the cast, hopefully these should be edited soon.

A lot of time and attention-to-detail went into Kerry’s outfit, as you can probably tell from the photos. Her petticoat was amazing and created the awesome meringue effect you can see. What was not so awesome however was having to climb under her dress to tie it up. I have never had my face so close to a pornstar’s arse before. I’m sure some of my male readers are coughing and spluttering right now saying whaaaa?! That sounds amazing! Well, you weren’t bent over double stuck under a very stiff petticoat trying to tie a bow to keep the whole thing up whilst it’s slipping down.

You can also check out Kerry Louise’s blog as I’m pretty sure she’s posting about the show today too.

***All images taken by me, courtesy of Television X***

***All links NSFW as per usual***

I know I’ve mentioned this before but I haven’t blogged in ages (more on the reasons behind that soon!) so I thought you might enjoy a little recap on what I’ve been up to at work. One of my tasks at the moment is helping to organise the UK’s biggest gang-bang.

Basically, we’re on the hunt for 150 proper British blokes to bang pornstar Ruby Reds in an effort to get in the record books. Part of my job entails in pimping our press release out and getting the word out that this is open to any man over the age of 18.

So as you can imagine I am privy to the applications. And one thing that has shocked me is how young most of the applicants are. To be fair, when you see someone’s d-o-b and it’s 1990 and that creeps you out, you know you’re getting on a bit! But seriously, a lot of the applicants are young, and out of the ones who’ve sent in their pictures, some of them are quite cute!

Once again, my job makes me feel naive. I thought the vast majority would be the stereotype I’m sure a lot of you imagine. But it’s really not. It’s a lot of young guys that want to do something a little bit crazy in their youth. Good on ‘em! It’s all safe so why the fuck not?

To find out how to apply click here.

NB All links followed by an asterisk are NSFW

This week has been porno-week on the BBC with not one but two documentaries about the smut industry. Certainly the more light-hearted one was BBC4’s Rich Man Poor Man: Ben Dover Straightens Up. The film followed Lindsay Honey trying to leave behind his porno-alter-ego Ben Dover and get a serious acting role. It was actually quite sad to watch as he did come across really well, and was a surprisingly good actor (even Ken Russell is seen to be impressed by him, but he did go on Celebrity Big Brother so I’m not entirely convinced how much we can fully trust his opinion), but as much as he expresses his desire to break free from porn, you get the impression that he feels it’s the only thing he’s actually any good at.

Watching him reminise about his pop star past is equally as heart-wrenching. Perhaps it’s just clever editing but your heart really does go out for him at key moments. It’s quite nice to see a different side to him that’s *as* endearing as his cheeky chappy on-screen character* but then at other times the lines between Ben and Lindsay seem to blur and I’m not entirely sure who is on screen.

Rich Man Poor Man is certainly worth a watch as it does go a long way towards humanising adult performers. Seeing in their private lives, albeit one who’s at the top of their game, is an interesting and entertaining prospect. And, added bonus, you can also see Lindsay on set in St Trinian’s spoof ‘St Teenycums: Nymphic Games’, getting made up to look like headteacher Miss Britton. Fact: Ben Dover is funnier in a dress.

Watch the BBC documentary

Watch St Teenycums*

***Image from St Teenycums: Nymphic Games by Wicked City/Television X***

BBC porn. It’s not often you expect to hear those two words in a sentence together, is it? Well, unless it’s some depressing documentary on BBC2 that sets out to uncover that ever pornstar who ever lived was coerced into the industry. But no, director Amory Peart has gone and made a porno version of the popular Beeb sci-fi show Life On Mars. He’s done away with a central male lead and instead cast hot Geordie girl Syren Sexton as DC Joan Simms. I’m going to pretend there wasn’t a collective groan there and tell you all that it’s actually really quite funny. Watch this NSFW clip to see what I mean. If my non-porno fan readers can get past the small bit of fucking in the title sequence, the set-up at the beginning is brilliant. Syren Sexton is coming in leaps and bounds in her scenes and is one of the few porno actresses that is as good as the talkie bits as she is at the sexing. I’ve seen this girl in action in real life and my jaw dropped at her blowjob technique. Seriously, I was envious. Luckily for us, she recently wrote some Sex Tips for Platform Magazine and did a step-by-step guide to cock sucking. Hurrah! Now we can all much on the pork sword like a pro

In a week that seems too full of people Fucking With Shit That Shouldn’t Be Fucked With (Miles Fisher, I’m looking at YOU!), a steaming pile of shit lands in my Facebook inbox. The Prisoner is one of the best TV shows there ever was, and now some cunt’s gone and remade it into a shit TV mini-series.

For those who’s never heard of it, The Prisoner starred ’60s spy heart-throb Patrick McGoohan (who sadly passed away earlier this year) and was one of the most influential and subversive shows ever to be on ITV. Yes, ITV did something good a very long time ago. Every sci-fi show you’ve ever watched and nerded to death has a Prisoner fan lurking behind it somewhere, that’s for sure! Buy the box-set and watch it to understand exactly how amazing it is because any tripe I write just isn’t going to do it justice.

Basically, it’s a very English, very ’60s-spy, of it’s time sort of show that actually stands the test of time. The remake won’t. It stars Ian McKellan as the mysterious Number Two and Jim Caviezel (Mel Gibson’s idea of Jesus Christ) as Number Six.

Here’s why I think this remake will SUCK:

• It’s set in America. Honestly, does every remake have to be set in America just to make it appeal to dumb [read: lowest-commen-denominator] Americans? The Prisoner was on ITV for fucks sake and they managed to get away with having the location a bit mysterious*.
• The trailer shows no evidence of the spy-element. What the fuck is it actually about then?
• It doesn’t appear to have any of the quirkiness that made the original so good.
• It looks like a bog-standard glossy American fantasy-drama of the likes of Jericho, Fringe, any of those other shows which promised so much, and delivered so little.
• Can they manage to make Rover simultaneously scary and ridiculous? (Sorry if you have no idea what I mean, I don’t like spoiling things too much)
• What’s with the love story? Number Six was a proper spy, not some James Bond slut-spy. He tried his damnedest to find out what the fuck was going on and didn’t have time for those sort of frivolities. I guess they’re trying to ‘modernise’ it and make it less ’60s-stiff-upper-lip and more I’m-a-brooding-yet-attractive-central-character-who-has-a-heart.

Ugh, I’m sure there’s more reasons why this should suck but I’m too pissed to express myself more eloquently. Just watch this pile of crap if you want. I wanted so badly to switch it off by 3 minutes in but I held out through the whole sodding 9 minutes for you dear readers…

*The original Prisoner was actually filmed in Wales at Portmeirion. You can get married there- geek wedding or what?! I told my family that once, pissed at a family occasion thinking they’d all be like “Oh Portmeirion so pretty!”, instead they all went “What? Like where The Prisoner was filmed!!”

Rewatching it reminded me of my favourite ever Big Train sketch which I’ve found a compilation of on YouTube. Watch out for the Japanese tourists…

If anyone else has any forgotten ’90s comedy they’d like to recommend please go right ahead!

Porn ain’t for kids. That’s a fact everyone can agree on. There is no one that will disagree with that simple fact. It’s the basic point that the Sex Education Show was trying to make. However, including the word “versus” in your title is making your stance clear from the beginning. Perky presenter Anna Richardson blundered her way through the program trying to convince everyone she met, be they randoms outside Tescos, or impressionable teenagers in school, that porn was to blame for the ills of the modern world.

What she failed to take into account is that at every turn teenagers are faced with imagery that deals severe blows to their self-confidence, so to suggest that porn is primarily at fault for teens thinking they don’t fit into a perfect image is a tad unfair, and frankly, sets out to demonize the sex industry. Magazines, advertising, television all portray idealized imagery and justly get a portion of the blame but it’s fair to say that teenagers are confronted with this far far more than they are with porn.

One of the points she raised is boy teens think they ought to have a massive schlong and girl teenlets think they should have massive boobs because that’s supposedly the norm in porn. Umm, how much porn have you actually watched Anna? Her stereotypes seem quite outdated considering that nowadays all tastes are catered for and you can easily watch people of all sizes and colour fuck on screen.

One point I’d like to make about porn is about vaginas. Girls have differently shaped lips and porn doesn’t disguise this. There are quite a few incredibly popular pornstars who have what is known as a wizard’s sleeve where the lips hang down in the shape of, er, well, a wizard’s sleeve. Guys don’t sit there and bang on about how gross her vagina is; they just think about how they want to bang her!

It is believed that most girls don’t really look at their own downstairs ladybits often and tend to think them ugly, misshapen, or worse still, weird in comparison to everyone else’s! If the average girl became more comfortable watching porn, they’d see plenty of ‘normal’ looking vaginas. Perhaps if Anna Richardson is convinced that we compare our bodies to those that we see in porn, she could highlight the positive aspect of that too? No? Well, that’s what you get on mainstream telly. No terrestrial channel is going to portray a positive light on pornography now, is it? They’d get crucified in the media, ratings would drop, and in times of recession that just ain’t gonna happen.

Even Damian Duke’s attempts to show the realistic side of the industry with his stories of granny-porn-poo-nuggets didn’t save this show. I have to say I thought he came across very well in both tonight’s and last nights show and it highlighted why he is a successful performer- he’s simply very natural in front of the camera.

Damian and his girlfriend Donna Derriere seem like they may have agreed to go on the program to show, amongst other reasons, that porn is not all about the stereotypes you see. And that it is all just fantasy at the end of the day, but that the reality is far removed from the fantasy. When free rags like thelondonpaper refer to Donna as “Waynetta Slob”, surely they are only further enforcing the porn stereotype of tall, blonde, big-tittied pornobabes? Isn’t that what you’re asking us to move away from, Anna?

Personally, I think where the program failed tremendously was in the fact it confused American porn with British porn. The vast majority of porn on the internet is American porn, and yet this was a British show, featuring the British public, presented by a British woman, showcased British pornstars… perhaps it would have been better to at least highlight the diversity of the British industry? No? Wouldn’t get the ratings you say? Right then, we’ll just have to see how tonight’s episode pans out then….

Check out the Sex Education show’s website and tell them your opinion on pornography!

***Image of Damian Duke courtesy of TVXMole***